Today I am feeling very sad. I did not get to wish my baby happy birthday and it is heavy on my heart. I read a post about traditions and birthdays as opposed to things and birthdays. Because of my walk in the wilderness and choices I made (not realizing the consequences) I don't get to create or develope traditions with my daughters. I see them about 6 hours a month and only get to talk to them MAYBE once a week. lately it has been much less. I feel like i do not know them anymore.

As a mother my heart screams out and cries. I feel like I can almost sympathise with those who have lost children...only mine are still alive...they just seem so far away. I feel like part of me is always missing and have such a hard time feeling peace. My flesh wants to give up and just find something or someone to sooth that pain, but I know God is the only healing.

I feel the "bond" we had is diminishing and they do not notice that I am not part of their lives anymore. On one hand I am so grateful they are happy. But on the other hand it hurts so much to know that they do not care to know me. I am sure it is too much for children to handle, so they accept and adapt to whatever situation is at hand...but it still hurts. It hurts to know how quickly and easily I can be replaced in their hearts. I truely feel like a failure as a mom.

I cannot buy my children gifts really because I do not know what they like and they are not allowed to tell me what they "want". They are being raised in a very unselfish Godly manner and for that I am thankful....but...sometimes circumstances need flexibility. I do believe from what I read about them that I am not a part of their lives. Mentions of traditions and birthdays in no way include me. I have tried to do different things to establish some kind of tradition, but that too has been ripped away. I ALWAYS call my kids on their birthdays and sing to them. it is a tradition that my grandparents started. The ONE tradition that I CAN do, was taken away this time because of "circumstances" and what it really boils down to is priorities. Because I am not a priority in their lives, and not even acknowledge as their mother on a day to day baisis, I don't even get to give them traditions. My baby will not remember that I didn't get her a CD on her birthday, but she will remember that I did not call.

So, how do I establish traditions when I am invisible? How do I celebrate a day in mine and my child's life that was so BLESSED without her? How do I get to create FAMILY unity when we don't even get to be a family?

If anyone has any ideas, please help me. I am trying not to give in to this emotional mumbo jumbo, but today the enemy is pressing on me. Today my path is somewhat blurred. I know I have to be patient and wait on God to guide me through this, but it is hard. How do you get through these emotional times with God? I pray but i do not feel better. Maybe I am meant to suffer for my sin? But, I know in Christ I am renewed and thus my spirit is renewed. I also know the enemy uses emotions to break us down in our faith and to lead us back to the wilderness. So please, if anyone reads this, pray for me to be strong and to keep my emotions at bay and let me faith carry me through.

Thanks for listenting.